Wednesday, October 28, 2009

It's Not Always Your Fault

It seems very little dating advice aimed at men acknowledges the faults women have, and that is a big mistake. It's all geared towards self-improvement, which men must undergo, which is fine, but the sin is one of omission. Why should men have to shoulder all the responsibility for making things happen? It takes two to tango right?

The typical dating advice for men consists of the girl doing something, and no matter what it is, you have to "convert" that into something positive, like a date, lay, or whatever.

There seems to be a real reluctance to admit that maybe the girl is "damaged goods", and you should pass her by. But that would be like an admission of defeat, and in the seduction community that is regarded as "beta". Alpha men don't give up, after all.

Also, consider that if you have the mindset that women are perfectly in their right doing whatever they do, with no critical feedback, they will only get more and more spoiled. That, in a nutshell, is the problem with "game". Game essentially says that you are okay with whatever behaviour women display, because you will always find a way to overcome it. In other words, "game" is a coping strategy for women's behaviour. If she only likes asshole jerks, then it's your fault for not acting like an asshole jerk. If she only likes rich men, then it's your fault for not giving off the "success" vibe. If she's rude and disrespectful, then it's your fault for not "negging" her. If she's a drama queen, then it's your fault for not giving her the drama that she needs. If she "shit tests" then it's your fault for not passing that test. If she resists your advances, then it's your fault for not breaking through her defenses. If she flakes on you at the last minute with a lame excuse, then it's your fault for not making her so attracted that she would never dream of flaking. If she is with a group of friends at the club, which is hard to penetrate, then it's your fault for not using group tactics to break through. If she doesn't return your calls, then it's your fault for not leaving an enticing message laced with subliminal NLP to get her to call you back. If she changes her mind about something, then it's your fault for not keeping her focused. And you can go on and on.


It doesn't have to be this way.

The way I see it, men are already doing too much as it is. So when I see statements like: "95% of men have no clue when it comes to meeting women", I immediately think that there's no way so many men can be so wrong. And it is statements like these which make women assume en masse that they are perfectly in their right doing whatever they want. After all, it's up to the men to figure out how to get with them regardless.

God forbid we ever tell women to start making it easier for men, and to start taking responsibility for their actions. That wouldn't be the "manly" thing to do after all, since "real men" take on challenges and don't run away from them.

Unfortunately, as long as men have this mindset, things will never improve, and women will never have any incentive to improve themselves and fix their shortcomings for the benefit of everyone.

Imagine if women put in a fraction of the effort men do in self-improvement, especially men learning game. So many difficulties men experience in dating would disappear. Game is no substitute for getting women to do their part in the mating dance.

Game is not the answer. Getting women to do their part is.

Women doing their part means they meet us halfway. This means we should never have to break through their resistance, or struggle to keep the conversation going, or try to calibrate anything and everything she does. It would just be assumed that if they want you, they would show it, and there would be no games or bullshit.

Unfortunately, this is not happening. So many men are trying too hard to compensate for women's actions, instead of treating them as adults. And women, knowing this, are free to embrace their sense of whimsy, knowing that there will be no consequences for their actions. On the contrary, "he will only want you more".

You can see this imbalance in dating books. Dating books for women generally teach avoidance, subterfuge, withdrawal, playing hard to get, etc. And dating books for men generally teach pursuing, persistence, and never giving up. You would have to be crazy not to see the problem with this! For starters, it means that both sides are consciously taking on roles that are polar opposites of each other (instead of meeting in the middle), and then assuming that this is the way things should be. It's utter madness!

And yet, this is so incredibly common.

Like most everything else, this is not a black and white issue. There are things you can do in the name of self-improvement, and there are things that the other side can do in the name of self-improvement.

The mistake men often make is assuming that they are the sole cause of their difficulties with women. And the mistake women make is letting them believe this.

It's dishonest, misleading, and just plain wrong.

Fortunately, there is a solution, and it's a universal one. Both sides have to take a deep hard look at themselves and be willing to fix those things that need fixing. I created two blogs just for this purpose: This one, which focuses on self-improvement for men, and my other blog which focuses on what women are doing wrong:


Anonymous said...

I've been researching the seduction community lately. As a woman, I'm really troubled by how well it's doing. Thanks for writing about alternatives as someone getting out of it. Hope it goes well.

HeartAce said...

This is a good summary of the PUA community's dominant attitudes from the late 90's to the mid 00's. In the 1980's and early 1990's PUA gurus had a different message. And in the past 10 years many gurus have emerged with a very different attitude, too. Check out RooshV, Chateau Heartiste, and BlackDragonsBlog for a more male-centered modern attitude. The 1983 book "A Man's Guide to Women" is a good sample of proto-PUA advice, before it got too woman-centered.