Monday, July 12, 2010

Be Realistic About Positive Thinking

You have to be careful how far you take the positivity and detachment mindset in explaining how reality works. Many proponents of this type of thinking believe that your beliefs, negative or positive, will manifest what happens to you. They give the impression that the mind is all-powerful, and if you have the right beliefs you can manifest anything. And of course anything that contradicts this belief is categorized by them as "being negative" or “self-defeating”. Now, I will say that being positive and detached can be a good thing, especially when meeting people, but if those people have issues then problems will occur no matter how "powerful" your state of mind is. I know from experience that certain good things started happening when I adopted a carefree, detached mindset in the presence of women. In some instances I was getting good reactions that I wasn't getting before when I was busy chasing after results. And it was tempting to start believing that I had found the magic pill, so to speak. But over time I realized that, although I was experiencing better reactions, many problems still existed. These problems were outside my ability to control. It taught me that the most you can do is take care of your own shit, which will attract people who in turn have their own shit together. So no matter what, it always takes two to tango.

Furthermore, you don't even need to be in a 100% perfect, detached, carefree state of mind for good things to happen. I've been in situations where I was feeling a bit angry inside about certain things, such as women, and then certain women in that environment still talked to me or made it easy for me to talk to them. For example, at this club once, I was on the patio leaning against the railing and looking out at the parking lot, feeling kind of down, and this woman came and stood maybe 3 feet from me, also leaning against the railing and looking out at the parking lot. Sensing her receptiveness, I asked her how she's doing and the conversation immediately flowed from there. But this woman was Russian, and I have long known that foreign women are better. And of all the women in the club she was the only one who made it easy for me to talk to her that night. So clearly my vibe was okay enough, but from her end she was also receptive enough to allow the interaction to take place.

I believe that some guys who are attached to the outcome are giving off very off-putting vibes, and when they adopt a detached, carefree mindset it produces a sharp change in their behaviour, which certain receptive women pick up on. And then they automatically think of the mind as being an all-powerful thing, almost as a knee-jerk reaction. But this reaction is the result of being too excited and over-zealous at what appears to be a breakthrough discovery. The associated passion can result in an explanation of what has happened in exaggerated terms. But let's be clear, the detached, carefree mindset of the guy does not create the receptiveness in the women. The women are already receptive in general, and you simply gave off the vibe that attracts, or in other words "clicks" with these women. But if there are no receptive women around (i.e. they are all prudish and uptight) then your mindset (no matter how detached, carefree, zen-like, etc.), will never get any of these women to warm up to you. There are things that are in your power to change, and there are things that are not. Only wisdom can teach you to distinguish between the two.

The flaw in thinking the mind is all-powerful becomes even more obvious if one looks at how many women appear unapproachable through their facial expression and body language. And yet, according to some (such as PUAs), the burden is still on the guy to change something about himself in order to be able to connect with these women. But instead, wouldn't it make more sense to give the same advice to the women as is given to the men, telling them to think happy thoughts and clear their mind of negativity, so that they become more approachable? This underscores the fact that it is in women's power just as much as ours to change the situation for the benefit of both. This directly contradicts the view of the mind as all-powerful. Because if it was all-powerful then the state of a woman’s mind would not matter, because I can still turn it to my advantage, which means that women's minds are not all-powerful, because even if a woman thinks negative thoughts, good things will still happen as long as the guy has his shit together mentally. This implies that it is only up to the guy to fix the reality of the situation when women appear hostile or unapproachable. Or it implies that somehow women's thoughts are already "perfect" and if anything screws up it's always the guy's fault. Both assertions are completely ridiculous and it tells you a lot about how faulty, one-sided, and dishonest the self-help/new-age type of thinking can be. If you can create your own reality, then so can everyone else. But this means that it's impossible to always manifest what you want by thinking the right things and having the right mindset. It's impossible because everyone is different and people constantly think different thoughts (either good or bad), which means they are manifesting different things than you. This proves that the mind is not all-powerful and that not everything is within your control.

It seems to me the basic problem is this: People in the grips of desperation will tend to deify and exaggerate the power of anything that can help them, even if it's only a little bit. For example, let's say I'm always upset and angry and anti-social and have no friends, and then I buy "The Secret" and start following its advice regarding positive thinking. What will happen is that I start changing my life for the better, because having a positive outlook certainly does help. But as a result I will have a tendency to over blow the power of positive thinking and see it as all-powerful. So in a sense the book and author will appear as a godsend, a saviour in other words. And I will tend to embrace everything the book says as absolute truth, holding on to it like some sort of life raft. My vulnerable state will have created a blind spot in my reasoning and judgment and you could sell me the Brooklyn Bridge as long as I am in that state of mind. This highlights how vulnerable people can be duped by scammers by way of selling them something with nuggets of good information that can actually help them, while also selling them a load of garbage. Due to their vulnerable state of mind they swallow all of it. In their mind, "If I found one bit of advice to be true it must all be true". It's only natural to think this way. If you gain an animals trust by feeding it once, it will allow you to feed it again, even if it's poison the next time.

There is also the possibility of the following black and white thinking: "It must all be true because if there's something about it that isn't true then it must all be untrue, and that will mean I'm wrong regarding X". So if I discover X in the book "The Secret" to be true then everything in the book must be true. And if there's anything in the book that is not true then it must all be untrue, including X, and that will mean I'm wrong. As long as someone has this mindset they will strongly resist any criticism of the book, and give it more praise than it deserves. Black and white thinking is a very common flaw in reasoning (false dichotomy) and points to the human tendency to categorize and think in terms of extremes rather than considering a wide range of options. So you have to watch it. It is much more accurate to assume that some things in the book are true and other things are not. And this is usually true for all sources of information, although it is desirable to keep the things that are not true to a minimum, such as is the case with peer reviewed scientific publications

This helps explain why so many vulnerable young men get sucked into the seduction community, because there is that small percentage of good information that can help them. But due to limited life experience and their vulnerability, these young men get sucked in by the scammers selling them a whole bunch of bad information as well. They wrongfully assume it must all be good (or most of it) because of the small amount of good information.


Anonymous said...

Jakob, I came to your blog over a thread on I really like your story and your articles, as I've been through kind of the same journey through the PUA scene (and still am). Have you aver heard of their teachings is also similar to yours. Do you know any other stuff that goes in this direction of, hmm, PUA-critical self-improvement?? I think the Seduction Community is ready for some deep change. Drop me a line:
yours, Dom

John said...

Hi Dom, I never heard of them. I'll check them out.

I'm not aware of that many other sites out there that are as critical of the PUA community. But there are posts in various forums, such as, or

I agree, the seduction community is ready for major change. But the community is not an isolated phenomenon but rather a specific instance of a larger phenomenon known as self-help. So changing the community means looking at the self-help movement, and tackling similar problems/fallacies within it. Unfortunately, self-help is a mindset entrenched in many people's thinking, with some good results but also some very bad. The seduction community seems to embody the worst aspects of self-help. But that's a whole other discussion.

Anonymous said...

You are on it brother..PUA's think that they are controlling interactions when in actuality it was defined already..I mean teaching somebody "tricks" to "act" like an Alpha..isn't that "chodish" behavior anyway.Positive thinking is only good to reduce worry in has no effect on reality! People can rationalize any correlation to help preserve their sense of identity or control of which we really have none!

Coldman said...

I was thinking the same thing as Dom.

You should really drop Attraction Institute a line. I've followed their program and you guys have the same mindset regarding being an authentic man, being (truly) unattached to the outcome, and just living a happy and fulfilling life.

A lot of his inspiration came from Osho, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (and his theory of 'flow'), etc

And positive psychologists like Martin Seligman, with the concept of;
1. GETTING happiness (By external things; cars, woman, etc)
2. DOING what you love (Here comes the concept of flow again)
3. Happiness from a higher PURPOSE (Comes down to giving without wanting anything back, and having that feeling of having a fulfilling life)

Happiness 2 and 3 make YOU in control of your happiness, whereas happiness 1 makes the external environment and other people in control of your happiness (obviously not a wise happiness to choose from), but most people choose this one (the seduction community too).

Here a short presentation from by Martin Seligman explaining what I just briefly said (if you're interested).

Anonymous said...

I think there is too much emphasis on receptivity. In Russia it used to be impossible to walk by a person in obvious or not so obvious distress and not pay attention. I think of Russia being a culture of caring.

It is entirely possible for a woman to be caring towards a man without ideas of further relationship.:)


Anonymous said...

Layla, are you Russian?

UK Loz said...

If picking up loads of hot women for sex was just as simple as whispering a few magic words in her ear or using some secret Jedi mind trick, almost every man you know would be banging hot chicks every other day of the week. The fact is simple - it doesn't work like that! That's why almost every guy you know is NOT banging hot chicks every other day of the week.

But you know what you can do by whispering magic words or by psychology or body language etc? Make people buy stuff! And it's called "selling". Ever come home with something you didn't want and a few pounds / dollars lighter? BAM! You've just been "Sold" something. It's not exclusive to men either. Do you know why most women buy makeup / false lashes / overpriced "magical" shampoo etc? It's not because they "know how to play men" etc. it's often because advertising/ magazines / sales people have convinced them that they're ugly / inferior and generally play on their insecurities in order to make them part with their cash. Sound familiar? ��

Anonymous said...

Very true Loz but in reference to men Women's level of insecurity is often less of an issue then amongst each other. This is why having a decent looking wing woman works well in night venues.